Lessons Learned

"There's some things that I regret,

Some words I wish had gone unsaid,

Some starts,

That had some bitter endings.

Been some bad times I've been through,

Damage I cannot undo.

Some things

I wish I could all over again,

But it don't really matter,

Life gets that much harder,

It makes you that much stronger.

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned."

That's the first verse of Carrie Underwood's song "Lessons Learned". I was listening to it today and it really struck home for me. This whole growing up thing has come with things that no one tells you about.

 Ruined friendships, missed opportunities, bridges that you have to burn whether or not you want to.

There's definitely some things that I would do again and do differently if I had the shot at it, but I can't do that and I need to live with my decisions.

There are relationships and friendships that I have ended or have had ended for me that I regret. 

I would love to have those people back in my life.

But they aren't and I'm sure that there is a reason for that.

I'm not the typical girl that believes every little thing happens for a reason;

but I do believe that people come in and out of your life for a reason.

I've learned a lot from the people that I have interacted with and that I've let into my life.

Like Carrie says life gets that much harder and it makes you that much stronger.

I've done damage that I can't even begin to undo, no matter how badly I wish I could, I have to suck it up and accept what I've done.

There is one relationship that I had a hand in screwing up {I refuse to take full responsibility since it is not all my fault, things were done and said on both sides} that I wish I could fix.

{And I'm not sure if the other person that was involved with this even reads this, but if they do....you know who you are}

And maybe one day I will be able to swallow my pride and extend the olive branch. 

But for now, I can't.

And I'm not even sure why I can't, I just...can't.

There is still a lesson here that I need to learn, obviously.

And there's still too much bad blood that needs to pass. Hopefully it will pass and not get worse.

To be honest I miss this person in my life. They always brought a voice of calming reason and I think what hurt me the most was I opened up to this person and was very raw in front of them and then this whole situation happened. 

And maybe I felt abandoned, which is silly and unfounded but at that point in my life I couldn't articulate that that is what I was feeling.

Maybe if I had been able to we could have avoided this. But on the other hand, there must be something I need to learn from this whole thing, because otherwise why would it have shaken out like this?

But like I said, I've done some stupid things, and made some snap decisions that I can't swallow my pride enough to take back...yet.

Truly if this person is reading this, I hope they understand the position I'm in....and that I hope one day we can get back to a place that isn't strained. 

That isn't hateful.

That isn't hurtful.

This post I feel like was a long time coming...it's taken me a long time to work through and sift through my emotions on this matter. And like I said I doubt the person that this involves even reads this and I don't blame them I wouldn't either after what happened.

But I hope they are.

I'm not to a place yet that would allow for any kind of Olive Branch extending yet, but I'm definitely to a place now where I can recognize that maybe this needs working on....

Lessons learned.

Some lessons are hard to learn.

 They hurt.

 But so do growing pains. 

And those are a necessary thing. A good thing.

I can only hope that the lessons I learn from this are molding me into a better person.

And one more Carrie quote that I feel fits here. 

This one is from her song "Good in Goodbye"

"As bad as it was. 

As bad as it hurt.

I thank God I didn't get what I thought that I deserved"

{Isn't Carrie amazing?}

I'm hoping that I will be able to thank God for not getting what I think I deserve. But for now I'm still working on it.

In hindsight I'm grateful for the difficult situations in my life. 

I've grown and I've learned from them.

I'm the person I am today because of them.

This growing up thing is hard.

I don't like admitting I was wrong, I don't like feeling like I've hurt people, I don't like acting like a responsible adult.

This growing up thing sucks.

But it's also amazing, beautiful and chaotic.

Life is beautiful.

Even when you're going through rough patches, life is beautiful and I feel blessed to be able to live.

To take in each breath and have the opportunity to be whatever I want to be.

And I want to be a better person.

I'm working on it daily. And I will get there.

I just need some help....but don't we all. That's why the Lord gives us our family and our friends.

The title of my blog now is "It's Not Worth It If You Aren't Happy" and I firmly believe that.
Life isn't worth it if you aren't happy.
Men are that they might have joy.
And I think a lot of these lessons I'm learning are making me a better person, which makes me happy.

Much love my friends, and here's to a more loving and kinder tomorrow

{one where I will be able to take the high road in all situations}

Thanks to my friends that stick with me even when I go insane. I love and appreciate more than you can ever know.

-L