A Leap of Faith

     About four years ago my grandfather Renstrom passed away. About four years ago I lost one of my most trusted advisors, confidants, examples and friends. About four years ago I gained one of the most powerful guardian angels anyone has ever had. Even though my grandpa is gone I know that he is always with me in one way or another. Literally not a day goes by that I don't think about him at least once and it is in those moments that I know he is with me, even if it is just for a tiny bit, just for the length of that thought or memory.

     What does this have to do with a "leap of faith"? Well this time of year, I tend to think a lot about faith. I was raised in an extremely religious household but it wasn't extreme in the way that it was oppressive or suffocating. It was and is a place where I was taught to allow my religion to be a part of me, and to love the Lord. It is because of this enviroment that the sting of the death of my grandpa was a little less harsh, because I knew that there was more than just this world and I knew for sure that my grandpa would never completely abandon us, he would make sure that there would be some way he could touch our lives.

     Faith. Without it the world would be full of sadness and crippling despair. Whether it be a faith in God or some other spiritual belief almost everyone has some kind of faith. I do not even want to contemplate where I would be today without my faith. It has brought me through some of the lowest lows of my life. But faith isn't just a belief in God or a spiritual belief. To me faith seems to be a paradigm to view the world through. People exercise faith everyday whether they know it or not. I'm not saying that the world's churches and mosques and synogogues etc are filled to the brim everyday with people, I'm saying that people are exercising faith everyday by trusting that the sun will rise each morning or that Starbucks will deliver their order to their stated preference. Faith is so much more than just a spiritual belief.

     I stumbled across a quote today that for one reason or another had a profound effect on me.
        Wisdom is knowing when a relationship has run its course. Not everything lasts - letting go is a
            leap of faith.
      As I look at who I was when my grandfather passed and who I am today I know that this quote is profoundly true. Letting go is a complete leap of faith. It requires the strength to step forward into the darkness of an unknown future. Lately I have been clinging to things from my past, and relationships from my past. I have never thought of my holding on to them being a sign of weakness or a lack of courage but it is. We hold on to things from our past because we are afraid to let go and move forward into something that is unfamiliar to us. Well here I am letting go. Taking a deep breath and stepping into my future; knowing all the while that I will have a guardian angel with me at my side.

Life is Beautiful!

     Have you ever had one of those days where everything just feels, looks and tastes beautiful? One of those days where you feel like you can do anything because you feel so good? I had one of those days recently and it made me wonder why people don't have more of them. You would think with so many beautiful things in the world to be grateful for more people would have beautiful days like the one I had only recently. But then again if everyday was beautiful then the days like I had a little bit ago would not feel as special. So maybe the Lord knows that tricky little detail about beautiful days and only provides us with them when and where we need them the most.
     It was one of those days where everything just felt right. Simple things such as breathing and seeing just felt right and pure and beautiful. I hate to think that this day was influenced heavily for the positive because of a cute guy in my first class...but it for sure did not hurt anything. Nor did seeing another cute boy during my lunch break. But the beauty of that day wasn't solely because of those two boys. It was a gorgeous day with crystal blue skies and warm sunshine (anytime the sun is warmly shining in Utah in February is a gorgeous and well welcomed day).
     I did learn that I am truly blessed to have the people in my life that I do. I probably have some of the best friends in the entire world. Each one is so supportive in the choices that I make and I know that there is no serious judgement from them when I make a mistake. I am so very blessed to have friends that are not only intelligent but beautiful as well as open minded (which unfortunately is rather difficult to find nowadays). I definitely have a guardian angel or two looking out for me when it comes to the people who come in and out of my life as well as the ones who choose to stay in my life. It seems that when I have a bad day or a bad moment there is always one friend or another with their arms lovingly stretched out to me (figuratively and sometimes literally), I just hope that I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.
     La Vita E' Bella - Life is Beautiful!

A few of my most favorite people in the ENTIRE world

Love, love, LOVE this girl!

                                                                   These are my theatre people
                                               And yes...my theatre people can beat up your theatre people

                                                                 Typical moment in our lives
                                                                

                                                                        Every day occurance
                                                                                Best friends :)

                                                              I love this girl so very much!!!

                                                                  Normal moments with Carson

A Change in Me

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection on my first semester as a Ute and realizing just how much one semester has really helped me grow as a person. The last six months have forced me to experience things outside of my comfort zone for the very first time. They have forced me to talk to people I would not have when I was in high school; they have forced me to realize that not every friend will be in my life forever and some bridges were formed just to be burned later on. I was so ready for this semester to start. New semesters bring new professors, new people and most importantly new adventures. And so far this semester has not disappointed in the new department. I love my classes and love the time I spend on campus. I’m so excited to continue my education up at the U.

                I do find myself wishing sometimes that I was having the same kind of college experience that my friends who went away to school seem to be having but at the same time I wouldn’t change the adventures I have had or the people I have met for anything. I love all those directly involved in my life and wouldn’t ever give them up. I am so blessed to have the friends that I do, both those that are near and those that went away to school. I also find myself thanking my lucky stars to work where I do. I may complain about it (who doesn’t complain at least a little bit about their job?) but I am truly grateful to be a part of that environment. I love my coworkers and all their quirky personalities. People with good hearts and good souls can be found there.

Love = Power

      They say that there is one word that will free us from the pain and despair of this world and that word is love.

     Love…that small four letter word has the power to lift the darkness and fear that seems to have encompassed the world? When I look at couples in love (and I mean real love: can’t eat can’t sleep, out of the park home run kind of love, not the oh we both like the same music and movies we make out all the time kind of love; that is if you can call that love at all) a part of me starts to believe that maybe love does have that kind of power. One can see this power in the look that is passed between two souls that everyone just knows are meant to be together, in the way that a frail old man still gallantly hobbles ahead of his equally frail wife to hold open her door for her just like he has done their whole relationship, in the way a brand new father looks at his wife after she has given birth to their very first child or in the first shy glances exchanged between two people who are about to embark on their own wonderfully beautiful love story. This power has carried human beings through the deepest valleys of sorrow and the highest highs of joy since the beginning. The ancient Greeks believed that human beings were first born with four arms, four legs, two heads and two hearts. But Zeus being afraid of the power these beings possessed split them in half leaving them with only one head, one heart, two arms and two legs, fating them to be forever in search of their other half. From this story it is inferred that when the two halves find one another they could be in possession of a power that even the gods feared. Love = Power.

     Unfortunately this powerful, envied and desirable force has a dark side. Anyone who has ever had any kind of meaningful relationship will tell you that love can kick the crap out of you. Love, while having the power to free a soul from darkness and despair, also has the power to send that same soul careening into that same darkness and despair. Love can take a person and rip their heart to shreds, beating and torturing them until gasping for breath they plead for release. Love has the power to turn a positive, happy person into a bitter cynic. This begs the question: If love does all these painful things to the human heart, why are we all so desperate to obtain it? What is it about love that we so desperately search for? That when we finally get it we claw and hold on to it for dear life, begging for this one to be more permanent than the last? It’s that power of love. The power felt from new lovers, old lovers and all those in between.

     All we ever wanted was to feel that power.  All we wanted was someone to make our heart ache in a good way, to gather us in their arms, kiss our fears away and tell us that everything will be alright. When it comes right down to it all us humans want is someone who wants us back